As I've mentioned in prior blogs, my sons are very involved in sports. This fall, 17-year-old Jason was a starting Defensive End on the Lower Merion High School Varsity football team. 13-year-old Billy was a Captain of the Bala Cynwyd Middle School unlimited football team. Jason's team won three games. Billy's team didn't win all season. These are facts that my very competitive boys would rather I not share. But I'm less concerned about the wins and losses than I am about how they reacted to them and the lessons I believe they learned from them.
Both boys worked extremely hard throughout their seasons, never missing a practice and playing full out each game. For Jason, that meant playing most of the season with a torn meniscus. For Billy, it meant playing against teams with three times as many players as his team had. Each set personal goals for improvement. And each took leadership positions on their teams and tried to rally their teammates, even when the scoreboard and stats looked disheartening. There were times when I, as a Mom in the stands, was more upset with refs' calls than they appeared to be. I was amazed at how they were able to focus on playing and striving to win, even against all odds.
Believe me, in years past, losses on the field or court have evoked tears, anger and self-loathing in my sons. And I didn't know what to say to make them feel better, which made me feel awful, too. But looking back, maybe that was a good thing, because there are times when all of us lose. And it IS awful when it happens. And as much as we as parents would like to protect our kids from hurtful lessons, sometimes we just can't.
When the boys were crushed by losses, all I could do was try to point out what they did well (which they claimed they didn't want to hear) and assure them that things would look brighter the next day (which they usually did). I don't think I taught the boys how to deal with disappointments, I just didn't dwell on them. And they learned themselves that even after a loss, their families and friends still loved them and were there for them, their teammates felt their pain, and the rest of their lives pretty much went on as before. As the song says, "the sun'll come up tomorrow."
My sons are as competitive as anyone. And they still hate losing. But I think they've gained a healthy perspective on sports and life because they've lost some games and survived. They've learned to focus on what they can control: their own performances and attitudes, trying to uplift their teammates and being a positive influence. They've learned to get past what they can't control: refs' calls, advantages held by other teams, even weather conditions. And I think doing just that (focusing on what you can control and letting go that which you can't) will make them winners in the long-run, no matter what the scoreboard says.
