They were making a castle with giant blocks and had a great time pretending to be princesses (Emma) and dragons (Luke.) It was a nice break, for me, and it made me think how much fun they would have if they stop fighting enough to play together all the time.
But then I think about growing up with my brother Bob, who is 3 years older than I. We fought like cats and dogs until we were in both in high school (and both had secrets to hide from our parents!) Now, Bob and I are pretty close.
According to Dr. Laurie Kramer, one of the world's leading experts on sibling behavior, playing together so often matters more than how much siblings fight. For more than twenty years, Kramer has tracked sibling pairs from infancy through adulthood. She's isolated the secret indicators in childhood which predict siblings' futures. It turns out that the ratio of playing together to fighting together is key. There have to be more good times than bad times.
Siblings who don't fight - but don't play together either - end up not having warm relationships as adults. Sibling quarrels are a fact of family life. On average, young siblings argue or fight 3.5 times an hour, which adds up to ten minutes of every hour. In observational studies, siblings make 700 percent more negative and controlling statements to each other than they do to friends.
Kramer's research suggests that parents should worry less about how they break up sibling fights, and concentrate more on teaching brothers and sisters the skills of initiating play together. It's not about conflict resolution, it's conflict prevention: Less fighting will be the consequence of siblings initiating play in an amicable manner.
I'm hoping, now that Luke and Emma have discovered it CAN be fun to play together, they will naturally fight less. Either way, the fact that they are playing together means they have a better chance of having a close relationship as adults. That makes me smile.
Happy parenting!
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