Two cases in point (and since you know I have two teenagers, you can guess where I'm going here)...
Two weeks ago, my 18-year-old son, Jason, borrowed my minivan to drive a group of his camp friends to the funeral of another camp friend who died. It was a tragic situation and I knew that being together would help the teens get through it. So, I said he could take my car (with its full tank of gas) and I'd drive his car to work. That morning, I got into his car, only to find the fuel light flashing "E." Afraid I wouldn't make the short drive from home to work, I stopped at a gas station and filled up his car on my way to 6abc. Did I mention that I have EZ Pass in my minivan, so Jason and his friends didn't have to pay tolls going to and from Northern New Jersey? The good news is that Jason and his friends made it safely home. The bad news is, when I got my car back, it was (can you guess?) dangerously low on gas. Yup - another trip to the gas station.
I docked Jason a week's worth of baby-sitting pay (which isn't as much as what I spent on gas, but I was feeling generous, despite it all).
Fast-forward about a week-and-a-half. My nearly 15-year-old son, Billy, leaves his cell phone in my car. In the evening, he goes out to look for it. He finds it. All's good, right? Ooooh, no no. The following morning, I get into my car to head to work, put my key in the ignition and... click, click. The battery is dead. Yup. Seems Billy turned on the dome lights inside the car to find the phone and then neglected to turn them off. The car sat in the freezing cold driveway overnight and the battery didn't have a chance. The best part is that my car has electric doors and door locks. So, in order to turn the dome lights off, I had to go crawling through the car - in my work suit and high heels. Then I had to call a work colleague to give me a ride into the station.
Billy now owes me baby-sitting, too.
Despite the fact that incidents like these make me want to throw things at my sons, I know that they're good kids. And research suggests teenagers really can't help doing boneheaded things like forgetting to buy gas or turn off the dome lights. Check out this article from Cosmos Magazine from 2006. In part, it says, "New research shows what exasperated parents always suspected: that teenagers are thoughtless and selfish. The study, presented by Neuroscientist, Sarah-Jayne Blakemore yesterday at the British Association for the Advancement of Science Festival in Norwich, England, showed that when choosing a course of action, teenagers hardly use the area of the brain involved in thinking about other people's thoughts. Furthermore they often fail even to think about their own."
While some later studies and research negate these findings, I think most parents would support it. I don't think it's so much that teens are short on empathy, they are just totally focused on themselves most of the time. And most of us were the same way at their age. Remember when nothing was more important than who was asking whom to the prom? Or when you were sure your entire future would be determined by a single grade on a math test? Now, add in budgeting time to spend on Facebook and video-chatting and it's no wonder teenagers' brains have room for little else.
So, here's my advice for parents. Let your teens know when they've messed up because they're totally self-centered. Make them pay the appropriate consequences. But then move on. Try to focus on your teen's positives. Jason is competing in the "Mr. Lower Merion" pageant to raise money for his senior class, the local ABC House and LM Scholarship fund while getting ready to head to national convention of Jewish teens in Texas. Billy's currently on a service-learning trip to areas hit by Katrina and just brought home a Straight-A report card for the second straight quarter.
And besides, I can't really strangle them - they were such cute babies. And, they're both bigger than me now.
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