How do you teach a child to be strong, independent and adventurous yet also have them be a member of the group, which means not always getting their way and having to take turns?
It's a lesson teachers are constantly working to achieve.
Caltha Crowe, author of SAMMY AND HIS BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS, outlines some interesting techniques that mirror similar things I do at my home. Maybe they'll help you set boundaries not just for problematic kids, but for all your children who look to you for guidance, love and gentle discipline as well as encouragement to face new challenges in life.
Crowe writes about a child who can be anti-social, obnoxious, demanding, throw tantrums and yet is bright, hungry to learn and anxious to make friends.
Throughout her book, she talks about the fits and starts they undergo when the new school year begins...how he learns to trust her, how she lets some small things go, how she calls him out on the big things.
One of the key items she mentions is creating a signal to let Sammy and other challenging children know they are starting to cross the line. For her it is a gentle foot tap. For me, it is 2 warnings with an explanation, then a backwards countdown to the repercussion for continued misbehavior. My older son, Jake, has never in 11 years let me get down to the number 1 in my backwards countdown before he changes his behavior. At my home, there's no yelling, hitting or spanking involved...but serious consequences of other kinds. If he acts up, I used to start with the verbal explanations and warnings: "You're yelling at the dinner table and it's hurting my ears. Please use your inside voice. I know you're tired and hungry but yelling doesn't make me go faster, and in fact it usually slows me down."
If he keeps up the disruption, I tell him I'm about to put his favorite toy in a time out. If he continues to act up, he gets a time out of the room.
Crowe used the foot tapping as her warning and pulled Sammy aside for a brief chat about his misbehavior. Then if he or any other student needed to step away from the group, rather than call it a "time-out" chair or have them stand in the corner, she asked them to go to the RSC or "Regain Self-Control" place. And she took care not to just send Sammy there repeatedly.
I think the key is to be quiet, consistent and reasonable.
I use gentle thoughts even now when talking to my 11-month-old twins. I like all of us to sit together at the dinner table at 6:45pm when I get home. That means Hunter and Zeke in their exersaucers by the table, snacking on crackers (they've already had their dinner before I arrive), while Jake and I eat our dinner. If one of the twins gets grumpy and won't stop crying, after I try 2 or 3 times to fix the problem, I tell them whining at dinner time is not the easiest way to stay part of the group and I move them gently to the other side of the kitchen.
I even give the cat time outs when he's nipping at us or swatting at the twins. The kids love seeing everyone get gentle corrections and then face reasonable consequences.
Crowe also talks about anticipating when something unusual is coming up...even fun things like planning a class trip...and helping a challenged child handle the distraction. It's much easier to anticipate awkward behavior and give someone a set of working ideas to try to fit in, than to watch them try to fit in and have a meltdown when they don't.
Crowe literally told Sammy there was a class meeting to plan the upcoming fall party...asked him what his ideas might be for the party...told him that he should follow the class rules of respecting others if their ideas for the party are different than his or if he doesn't like their ideas...and had him practice a pleasant face that he should maintain while he was listening to others.
It seems elementary to a grown-up, but some children need you to break it down step-by-step to help them see where they're throwing up roadblocks to friendships and exacerbating their own bad behavior patterns. It worked, and the planning session was as successful as the outing later. All because Crowe took the time to give a "special" child some added time and attention to make the adjustment in their mind. As she says, you can't be angry at a child for a skill they don't yet have.
More great ideas to come as we continue with this Responsive Classroom book.
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