Each day, I wonder how much I should share about Mom's condition with my sons. In addition, I am running to the hospital most nights after work and dinner, which has upset our family routine.
All of the boys have visited their grandmother during her hospitalization, though not since she was moved into ICU. My two older sons are set to go to a youth group retreat in Pittsburgh this weekend and I've questioned whether I should let them go, when there is a chance that they might need to come home on short notice, if Mom loses her fight. Sadly, dealing with the death of a beloved grandparent is something many children have to cope with. My sons are close to my parents, so I know their inevitable passings will be difficult. And that fact that they both have lived so long almost makes it harder, because it seems, despite multiple health setbacks, they're almost immortal.
So, what do the "experts" say about helping children deal with their grandparents' serious illness?
Armin Brott, author of Father for Life: A Journey of Joy, Challenge, and Change, (http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/5986/should-you-tell-your-children-about-a-grandparents-illness) gives the following advice to a woman whose mother has terminal cancer:
"Illness and death are facts of life. Much as we'd like to be able to shield our children from these things, we have to play the hand we are dealt. An experience like this underscores how important it is to have made a practice of having honest, open discussions with your children.
"The time will come when you'll have to sit your kids down and talk with him about what's happening. Depending on your children's relationship with your mother, this may be one of the most difficult discussions you'll ever have with them, especially since you're probably quite upset as well.
"Be honest. Don't overload the kids with technical details about cancer or other diseases, but do answer their questions as well as you can. Remind them that they still have time left to spend with grandma and it's important to show her how much she's loved. Let your kids know that now more than ever, coloring a picture, writing a card, or any other project may really lift their grandmother's spirits.
"Children often have a delayed reaction to learning of this kind of news, so don't be surprised if they don't seem affected until a week or more after you tell them. Let the kids know that it is okay to cry and be sad when someone they love is sick or dying and that you're sad, too. As they'll learn, there are many things in life we simply can't control. Plenty of hugs and honesty, however, will help them cope with the reality of a terminally ill grandparent."
This article from the Seattle Times (http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=20031011&slug=grandill1100) has more advice on how to talk with kids about ill grandparents, from Social Workers, Doctors and Nurses. It explains how your approach to these conversations should be different, depending on the child's age. But the main points that seem to echo through much of the advice are 1) do not overwhelm kids with highly technical medical terms/diagnoses, etc. 2) Let kids know that whatever reaction they have to their grandparents' condition - sadness, anger, or ambivalence - is o.k. and 3) it's important to keep the lines of communication open, because they will have different feelings, questions and concerns over time.
I'm sending my boys to Pittsburgh as planned this weekend. If the worst happens, they can fly back home early. And I won't be going to the hospital tonight, because 9-year-old Micah has his school's winter concert, for which he's been rehearsing for months. I know that's where Mom would like to be as well.
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