Parenting: Help kids with behavior challenges | 6abc Philadelphia

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By 6abc

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

In her book, SAMMY AND HIS BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS, author Caltha Crowe, has some helpful insights about a student she worked with extensively. The ideas translate to parents and caregivers as well, and can be helpful even with small outbursts by the normal child.

In Chapter 2, she makes more observations about Sammy and his outbursts. He starts the day on a positive note, but quickly dissolves into acting out or getting rejected by other kids. The teacher carefully observes what happens and gives Sammy some strategies for changing his approach to others so that there will be a different outcome.

Sammy often blurts out his feelings, thoughts or the answer to a question. "It is clear some internal impulse is impelling him forward, fueling his need to create." A teacher or a parent has to weigh whether the moment a unique child has chosen is worth giving them the latitude for the interruption or whether it is a teaching moment to say to them. "Sammy I like your creative ideas but we need to put that thought on hold until snack time."

Further, the teacher saw that Sammy was touching other kids to try to get their attention and tell them something about history, which interests Sammy but may not interest the other kids.

She saw how hurt Sammy was when the kids he approached didn't like the way he pawed at them and made silly kitten sounds before spouting a random fact.

So later, Crowe talked separately to Sammy to give him some other strategies for connecting with his peers. Parents can do the same. Here are her thoughts:

2. Ask the child to observe what the other child was doing when he interrupted them and see if it's fair that he interrupted at that moment.

3. Tell the child they can't interrupt lessons or conferences. The teacher taught Sammy to break it into steps: stop, look and see what's happening first.

4. She encouraged the child to start with a joke or something lighthearted before launching into heavy facts and material.

5. The adult role-played with Sammy to let him practice his new approach to other kids.

Later when there was an actual conflict, there were new lessons to be taught. This time the teacher saw Sammy and another student arguing and found out it was because Sammy's belongings were taking up all the desk space. When the teacher came over to ask each child to tell her what was wrong, the other child stated the circumstance clearly, "Sammy's pop-ups are on my part of the desk and there's no room for my books." But Sammy overreacted before the teacher could say anything and pronounced that the other child just doesn't like him as a person. So later the teacher recounted exactly what the other child said and made sure Sammy heard the facts, not some emotional knee-jerk reaction that blew it out of proportion. She suggested next time that the other student say what's wrong and then ask Sammy what he heard them say, to make sure he got the correct message. It becomes a team effort that way.

The same premise works for parents. If your child overreacts to a circumstance with you, their siblings, or their friends, have them repeat what they think they heard...and then you can state what actually was said and ask them to be a more accurate listener...almost like a special agent on assignment getting the facts for "the case." That could cut the arguments in half!

Finally, Crowe discusses what issues are worth a discussion, which ones are worth a punishment and what she just has to let go. Hitting or any physical actions always get punished with a time out, a visit to the principal or a call to the parents to get them on board. Verbal arguments get less punishment and more explanation. It depends on the frequency, severity and circumstances. I would say the same is true about hitting siblings or parents...that's non-negotiable for a time out or separation from the group. When a child talks back or argues I usually try a gentle reprimand the first two times, then by the third repetition in one afternoon or evening the child gets some time apart. It's a judgment call, but I try to look beyond the emotions at hand and see the underlying cause of the behavior.

Good luck trying some new strategies and we'll learn more about Sammy next week!