We're talking about the alarming trend of financial infidelity.
That's when one spouse taps into the family's finances without the other one knowing about it.
We all enter into marriage with individual spending habits. But once we say "I do", most of us believe we're supposed to share our finances and any relevant information.
But secret spending is becoming all too common in American households. The good news, there are ways to spot and stop this potentially dangerous pattern of behavior.
Karen and Ray Gunther have been married for more than 30 years. Many years of fun and games, but when it comes to money, things get a little dicey.
"I spend," Karen says.
"I save," said Ray.
Karen will admit she tries to keep her spending sprees a secret from her spouse.
"My philosophy is it's an on as need basis," says Karen.
Karen shares how she lies.
"I have stuff shipped to the house," said Karen. "I'm a sales rep, and I get catalogs and sales stuff. So whenever something's on the doorstep and he brings it in, I just say, its work stuff."
Ray suspects all this spending could sacrifice the retirement future he's envisioned.
"Would I like to have a lot of money to travel and do a lot of things? Yeah. And will that come about? I'm not sure," said Ray.
"It's probably going to get worse," says Ted Massaro of M Financial Planning Services. "And unfortunately, it can lead to pretty ugly consequences."
During this down economy and new age of paperless billing, Ted Massaro finds himself having to act more and more as a couples counselor for financial infidelity.
"Money therapy is critical," said Massaro.
He says there are warning signs you might have a spouse cheating on your financially.
"Making sure their mail never gets opened by the other spouse, or keeping their bank accounts private," explains Massaro.
Massaro says that's one of the most common red flags of a financial cheater, and there's another common story.
"My pay's been reduced because of a lack of work or we're taking a pay cut in work, but then they don't want to show the pay stub," says Massaro.
And in this day of online bills, be especially wary if your spouse isn't willing to share passwords to financial accounts.
And what should you do if you suspect financial infidelity in your home?
First, insist you both check your credit reports and share them with each other.
"Credit report is obviously going to find all the credit liabilities that are outstanding whether you're getting statements or not," Massaro said.
And confront the situation immediately.
"You need to sit down and say we do have a problem," said Massaro. "We have to address it, because we cannot continue this way."
Find an objective third party to act as your coach and mediator.
Whether you pay a financial planner or use a free debt counselor or even your religious leader. That person can help defuse an obviously sensitive situation.
So is there hope for the Gunthers?
Massaro says he believes any case of financial infidelity can be repaired as long as both spouses are willing to work together.
"Both individuals have to meet with us at all times, so everything has to be on the table," said Massaro.
To prevent financial cheating, set a rule from the beginning to share all financial information, even statements and passwords for separate accounts and individual credit cards.
And take a good, hard look at your tax returns. If money's missing, ask why.
It's also a good idea to hold a regular household financial summit, a specially designated time for the two of you to ask all questions and put all concerns on the table.
We want to hear your stories of financial infidelity. You can share your story anonymously with us on 6ab.com.
Below, you'll find worksheets and checklists for tying the financial knot.
These are really great tools you can use together, whether you're already married or about to get married.
Related Links:Getting Married Checklist
Marriage and Money
Money Issues that Affect Married Couples Planning for Remarriage
