Parenting: 'Am I ready to be a parent?' checklist

February 28, 2011 11:58:18 AM PST
Here are a few things that would have been helpful to know before I became a dad:
  • Practice saying 'no' several times in succession. This is to prepare for the mental and physical stamina required to repeat this word over and over again.
  • Prepare to watch the cuisine served in your house whittled down to two basic food groups: mac, cheese.
  • Spend a few weeks driving a taxi. It gets a lot like that when they begin to play sports. Only your fare(s) don't pay and get really loud.
  • Get more familiarized with dirt and scum, and how both will inhabit clothes, bathrooms, kitchen tables, family room floors, remote controllers and car seats, all in astonishing quantities.
  • Join a debate team. Instruct your opponent to simply state "Why?" every time you make your point. Keep restating your position in more interesting ways.
  • Buy a bottomless grocery cart that automatically refills itself when the children plow through the refrigerator. Keep it in a safe place.
  • Pick up heavy
  • duty plastic wrap. Use it to shrink
  • wrap the back seats of your car(s). That is, if you have any hopes for re
  • sale value.
  • Speaking of your car, do not buy a DVD player for it. While entertaining at first, it will only cause more battles. (This does not apply to only children).
  • Make a pact with yourself to only purchase toys that have been used and can be re
  • sold. You will be shocked to find out how quickly your children will lose interest (if they ever gain interest in the first place).
  • Visit a DeLorean car dealership. Ask for the one used by Marty McFly and buy it. Once the kids get older, you will want to climb on board, and revisit all of those early years that seemed so rough, annoying, and exhausting. You'll realize later how precious they really were. Heelllllloooo, McFly?
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